It’s Christmas and I’m here in my living room, thinking about you. And reflecting about us and the time we shared together.
You were the most important person in my life. I love so much. I regret not saying the words, “I love you more often”. Funny fact, but I’ve been learning about secure attachment, and how important these words are. Laura, I do love you, and I did love you.
I wish we were in a place where I could hold your pain, and that we could talk to each other as adults about the mistakes we made, and the pain we caused each other; but I keep reminding myself that we both don’t have the dynamic where we can talk about this openly.
For us to be in a healthy relationship, we needed to be in a place where we can stay open when we’re hurt, can tolerate complexity, and repair instead of punish.
I’m angry because:
- You cut of all communication without path of repair
- Took our dog removing the bond entirely between Bao and I
- You escalated to harmful criminal and legal measures
- You’re still angry at me
- And left me without any way to explain, apologize, or grieve together
This causes deep harm to someone. And I’m not writing this for these reasons. I’m just so hurt that it got this way, that we got to this point.
In deepest hopes of my brain, I’m still hoping that there would be some miracle that we could recognize each others faults, and come back together with maturity and a desire to understand each other.
I know Christmas was always a tough time for you. I hope that you’re finding warmth and love with Bao today and that you’re not feeling alone. I hope on this day, you feel safe, cared for and loved, and that when you think of us, you can remember the fun times and the love we did have.
I want you to know that I’m sorry for the way I acted. In a time, perhaps you’ll find out that I’ve been reflecting, reading, and learning about myself in the hopes of being a better person. More stable, and suitable for being in a relationship.
When I think on the happy times together, these are things I wish we had cherished together and that I had honored, and that we were able to both communicate more effectively. Letting us enjoy our times together together, while we worked on counseling and improving our relationship as an entity that was meant to find lasting solutions together, as a couple.
Say hi to Bao for me. Please don’t rewrite her history without me in it. I loved her so much and she does deserve to know that I didn’t just leave her.
I apologize for becoming exhausted, and not bringing up issues earlier. Had I had better tooling, and was more curious about your needs as well, we would have been able to discuss shortcomings we had together, and discussed whether it was something we could work through.
I apologize that in my exhaustion, I did something incredibly hurtful to you and selfish. I think back on how harmful that was, and how deeply hurtful that was. I’m sorry and I can understand why it was so hurtful.
There can be two truths, that we both hurt each other in the same way, but I don’t think it justifies any of us having acted in the way we did to each other.
You’re literally one of my favorite people and I will always love you, or the pieces of you which we shared together.
You will be okay. I will be okay. If you were ever open to speaking again with care, I my heart would scream with excitement. But until then, just know that I love you.
Love,
Jason
