Well, I definitely don’t have the meaning of life figured out, but the last few weeks have been… good.
Like I know things haven’t been great, but there’s been a lot of uncertainty surrounding things in my life. To be honest, I’ve sometimes felt down right shitty.
I think there’s many things which lie behind this plunging feeling.
I’m not sure whether to be happy, or sad about this
One one hand, I’ve identified things that I want in my life.
- I want love
- I want to feel safe
- I want to be satisfied in my own job
- I want to be doing something meaningful
- I want to be in a position to inspire others.
But then on another, I realize there are so many things which are “flawed”. There are personality flaws in myself, which I think make my wants near unachievable – these include everything, including my perspectives on what love and relationships are.
I’m not gay, but think about the relationships you have. The things I used to believe brought value, or were normal, aren’t qualities of a relationship at all – although people, for years and centuries have done this – but we are in changing times.
Things I used to think were parts of a relationship are completely challenged, and there is literally no room to be comfortable because near every aspect of what a good “relationship” is, is out of what I grew up with. And with that note, there’s a certain part of me that attracts to that comfort.
Disclaimer: This is not what I am like. I’m mentally slightly more than half sold that I’m really sold on all of this, but it’s definitely been increasing over time. Generally, I think I’d be okay in a relationship now. But anyhow, these feelings were what I grew up with – so don’t judge.
I grew up in what I felt, was a lot of anger, and no love. I don’t remember lots of my childhood and teenagehood, because I literally wasn’t present. I was zoned out 80% of the time.
And I don’t know if this is because of my biology, the way I was raised in my early year of the orphanage, or really my parents. I don’t know if it’s because there is some life-force which means that I didn’t feel as connected to my parents as a normal child would. I don’t know if maybe I wasn’t cuddled at the orphanage so I didn’t develop intimate bonding skills. I don’t know if because of this, I was a screwed up child that caused problems to a normally loving family. I don’t know.
I don’t know how I ended up living with such bullshit as a child. I don’t know if it was bullshit. I don’t know if how I feel about my parents is warranted. I was hit, I never felt loved, and I felt ashamed a lot. But I don’t know what part of me is all fucked up from this.
I just don’ t know.
I think this has a lot with how I feel scared to be in a relationship. It also makes me feel really lonely. I don’t talk to my sisters about any of this. I never talked to my sisters about anything hardly.
I want to share my life with other people, but at the same time, I think that this adversely affects my ability to form bonds with people. I’m probably exhibiting subconscious cues that I don’t even know about. I’m near certain of this.
Right now I feel tired. I want to be loved. And I want to go to bed.
