Anxiety, and Getting Along with your Counselor

So right now I’m seeing a counselor, but, ah, ah, ah… hold on. Before you make any judgement, about why… hear me out.

So right now I’m seeing a counselor to help create a paper trail which will detail how this wait to trial has caused undue stress on my life. If you think about it, it makes sense. If you charge someone and they turn out to be innocent, you can’t hold up their life for 2 years and then be like, well that was our bad. See you later!

And as a quick briefing, I understand no one knows what my “criminal” record is, and what the circumstances are, but rest assured my conscience is clear. In my opinion, this has been a case of extremely sub-par police work, boys-club mentality and some overpaid assholes being, well… assholes.

Back to my story. So for the last few months, I have been seeing the psychologist describing how there’s been some issues in my life. It is difficult for me to find a job as pending charges appear on a criminal record check. As well, I’m layed off, and with lawyer fees (estimated $10,000), along with the fact that this impending doom is still pending, isn’t necessarily the most pleasant situation. That being said, I live a happy, fulfilling life in the time being and I wouldn’t normally think of seeing a counselor (or probably ever), under these circumstances.

So as you can imagine, I go into these sessions with a goal to make sure I hit all the points necessary so they can be jotted on a script and later neatfully brought into court at a later date.

That’s my experience for the last couple sessions, until this one. I didn’t think it was a large problem, but it was one of the only ones that I’ve actually experienced. Yes, it sucks to be living with this (giant) weight on your shoulder, but that’s not really an emotion, or anything constructive a counselor can work with.

As a test. A simple test.

As a test. A simple test, I quickly brought up how under certain circumstances, I had experienced anxiety thinking that people are undercover cops. I’ve been to at least two electronic shows (and avoiding them now), each of them believing, without a doubt, that there were undercover police officers. When that happens, the world around me seizes to move and I focus on analyzing how these people move. What there interactions are with the others around them. Are they with friends? Hmmm, who’d they come with? Interesting, seems like they’re communicating with people who they aren’t technically in a party with. That’s weird. One of them came up and asked me for drugs (which actually happened, again). Definitely a cop.

Same things with individuals who come up to me at the bar and introduce themselves, asking me questions. Me, not knowing whether these oddities in this persons’ prose is imagined, or if it’s really happening. On Saturday evening, a truck took the same path as I did from Blackfoot Trail nearly to my apartment. I attempted to take an extra right, and meet up behind him (to see if it was a fleet car, what type of truck, etc), but I hit a red light. That’s not really the point, other than that I notice these things, all the time now. I always know what cars have been behind my car longer than they should have.

Sounds kinda weird right?

Well I guess not. It was a relief to have this off of my chest. I was actually surprised by how relieved I felt. I don’t think it really changed anything, but telling someone, who’s only there to listen, about this “weird thing” I have was nice.

I didn’t think it was crazy that I was this paranoid, but it does cause stress in my life and undoubtedly, it was nice to tell someone about it, She also brought up some great points I am very appreciative of.

“It would be un-intelligent if you didn’t feel this way”, is what she said. Hmmm how interesting.

We’re ultimately shaped by our surroundings, and our experience. Maybe I’m more of a scientific mind, but I do believe that many of our personality traits come from these weird, small, once in a lifetime experiences we have, and that they can forever change our perceptions.We do have the power to be aware of them now.

The same way a puppy touches his/her nose to the hot glass on a fireplace and never touch it again, people are going to react differently based on their experiences.

Doesn’t sound like rocket science huh?

I guess the main thing is that I really appreciated the fact that she spelt it out that way. That it would be un-intelligent to be otherwise.

Thanks.

I’ve “opened” up to her about things, but there wasn’t anything quite as productive as today’s experience. So general lesson about anxiety, well think about the causes. Is it really that crazy?

Maybe it won’t change the onset of your anxiousness, but at least you’ll understand it, and yourself a bit more. Oh, and about getting along with your counselor, significant other, or whatever… Maybe there’s something about yourself you don’t even really realize is a “something”.

Fuck the police.